BMI is Total BS

It’s a hate on measurements and statistics kind of day and BMI is what has sparked my current mood.  Using Body Mass Index (BMI) as the measuring stick to see if I’m healthy is irritating. 

This gangly old Belgian nerd, Lambert Adolphe Jacques Quetelet, invented the statistical device torture device in the early to mid 1800s.  His intention was to define the statistical laws to outline the “average man,” instead he created the number by which our insurance company determines how much to charge us.  Surely good ole Adolphe didn't understand the implications of his formula, but he's the focus of my angst none-the-less.  His evaluation of weight fails to correctly reflect health (or lack thereof) because it doesn’t account for: muscle tone, size of frame, weight of breasts, love for fried food, or age. It's a tired, broken measurment and I, for one, think it belongs in a slim, trim pine box. 

In conclusion if ever you meet someone with the last name Quetelet do me a favor and kick ‘em in the shins from me.

Ka-POW.

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My Workout Jamz

When I do workout I find that I steady stream of killa beatz is absolutely essential.  These jams are in my music library for this purpose only and they are one of the things that I hide with great shame from my fashion scarf, thick rimmed glasses-wearing friends. 

Some of these are pretty solid throw backs so, I’ll just go ahead and say “You’re Welcome” in advance.

Jump – Kris Kross

Key Lyrics - “Daddy Mac will make you jump jump”  and “Cause I'm the miggity, miggity, miggity, miggity Mac Daddy miggity, miggity, miggity, miggity Mac”

The Greatness:  The appeal of this song really stems from the fact that I grew up without cable television.  So whenever I hear this song it reminds me of the feelings of contentment I felt when I spent a Friday night at a friend’s house and got to wake up Saturday morning and watch Nickelodeon.  If you don’t sing along to the chorus of this song and pump your fist to the “jump jump” beat then you are probably a less amusing version of Tony Shalhoub as “Monk”

Jai Ho – Pussy Cat Dolls

Key Lyric - “Catch me, catch me, catch me, c'mon catch me, I want you now”

The Greatness:  I know I complain a lot, but there’s no doubt in my mind that I’d rather workout than have my eyes scooped out by a hot spoon.  I loved Slumdog Millionaire and I can imagine nothing more inspiring to really get me running on that treadmill.  (As an aside: I work some pretty sweet Bollywood dance moves. Video to come.)

Melon balling my eyes out is where I draw my line in the sand.

Pump Up The Jam - Technotronic 

Key Lyric – “I want, a place to stay, Get your booty on the floor tonight, Make my day”

The Greatness: Space Jam.  Really, I don’t need any other reason to love this song.  However, as I looked up the lyrics to this song I found three versions of the line “I want, a place to stay…”   This just affirms that just making the corresponding vowel sounds when you don't know the words is perfectly acceptable. 

Jenny From the Block – Jennifer Lopez

Key Lyric – “Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got. I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block”

The Greatness: I like to think that this song is about a woman named Jenny, a famous amateur geologist who used to be a tax advisor.

This is Jenny.

These are her rocks.

Chow down.

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I'm a lazy eater

Ideally, I would lay all day in a chaise lounge while a steady stream of Goldfish Crackers and Milk Duds are fed to me by some hunk.  Togas optional.

I’ve been comparing and contrasting the meals that I love to the healthy meals I’m trying to eat.  One thing keeps coming up as I analyze my old favorites: they have no more than three steps of preparation before they are torpedoed into my mouth.

Totino’s Pizza Rolls:

1. Unwrap - Dump out 20-30 bites – You’re eating pizza rolls, serving sizes don’t apply to you.
2. Heat – Be classy.  Use the oven, not the microwave.
3. Eat – Use a fork, you're not an animal and those suckers are coming out HOT.

McDonald’s Big Mac

1. Drive – Until you’re there, then go “Thru”
2. Order – Get the combo, but then add a McChicken cause it’s only a dollar. (As an aside: they must have a mayo quota to meet each month, I sometimes can’t see the sandwich through all the creamy fat.)
3. Drive Away – Use your knee cause you’ll need both hands to shovel those fries in your mouth while they are still hot, cause they turn to crap after they get cold.

Pschh - Whadda Rookie

State Fair Honey Battered Corn Dogs:

1. Unwrap – Take three or four out of their clear plastic prisons.
2. Heat - Fry ‘em up.
3. Eat – Dress in “Fancy” Ketchup only.  (If ever I get into the Ketchup game I’m definitely going to print “Black Tie Optional” on my fancy ketchup bottle

He's missing his monocle but you get the picture.

In contrast almost all healthy foods take far more steps.

1. Chop Spinach
2. Apply Dressing, Toss
3. Add Cheese
4. Add Meat – Not even counting the steps to grill a chicken breast
5. Add Sliced Almonds
6. Mix Up
7. Eat and then try not to think about how hungry you still are.

So much to do, so little reward...