Back.

I'm back.

I'm back to the blog, back to the weight I started from and back to back fat and boobs (which seem to come as a duo, nay trio?).

2 Boobs + 1 Slab of Back Fat = Back on the Wagon.

 

It took me three months to get back to this hefty figure and a full month before I realized that this is where I started off from.  So here we are, no apologies, no excuses, no regret.  I had a great time.

What prompted this you ask?  I went to Florida to see my lovely friends.  Apparently being on the beach makes a swim suit a necessity.  I’ll spare you the squishy, doughy details and simply say it was less than ideal. 

When you're plotting to frantically ask your friends not to tag you in beach photos, it’s time to get back to the treadmill.  I’ve blocked out unflattering portions of myself in this photo for your safety.

That's me, Squinty McGee.

Florida was amazing, I met some great people and got a small, but healthy view of reality.  I realized that if I go to swim with the dolphins they may mistake me for a small, but well-fed whale.
Another post to come tomorrow, but for now a couple more photos (sans me) of lovely Florida.

Cheers.

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thisdietsuck@gmail.com

Bad Break Up

Hey there… Okay, so here’s the thing.  We haven’t seen each other in a few days (weeks) and it’s all my fault.  I have been, um… busy?  I think we just needed some time apart and now, well now we can go back to normal right?

Sort of.

 

I’m going to write a brilliant entry soon.  Detailing my exploits and tribulations.  But I don’t have the energy to face those sad realities quite yet.

So here is a photo of me in three steps. 

1. I’m gonna eat all that stuffs. 2. Dishonor has fallen upon me and my house! 3. Holy Moses.

 

Step 4 not pictured: Despair and self-loathing.

And here are a couple pictures of stuff I've been eating.  Feel free to simultaneously be jealous and judgy:

 Guilty pleasures and ranch dressing to all.

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BMI is Total BS

It’s a hate on measurements and statistics kind of day and BMI is what has sparked my current mood.  Using Body Mass Index (BMI) as the measuring stick to see if I’m healthy is irritating. 

This gangly old Belgian nerd, Lambert Adolphe Jacques Quetelet, invented the statistical device torture device in the early to mid 1800s.  His intention was to define the statistical laws to outline the “average man,” instead he created the number by which our insurance company determines how much to charge us.  Surely good ole Adolphe didn't understand the implications of his formula, but he's the focus of my angst none-the-less.  His evaluation of weight fails to correctly reflect health (or lack thereof) because it doesn’t account for: muscle tone, size of frame, weight of breasts, love for fried food, or age. It's a tired, broken measurment and I, for one, think it belongs in a slim, trim pine box. 

In conclusion if ever you meet someone with the last name Quetelet do me a favor and kick ‘em in the shins from me.

Ka-POW.

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thisdietsuck@gmail.com

My Workout Jamz

When I do workout I find that I steady stream of killa beatz is absolutely essential.  These jams are in my music library for this purpose only and they are one of the things that I hide with great shame from my fashion scarf, thick rimmed glasses-wearing friends. 

Some of these are pretty solid throw backs so, I’ll just go ahead and say “You’re Welcome” in advance.

Jump – Kris Kross

Key Lyrics - “Daddy Mac will make you jump jump”  and “Cause I'm the miggity, miggity, miggity, miggity Mac Daddy miggity, miggity, miggity, miggity Mac”

The Greatness:  The appeal of this song really stems from the fact that I grew up without cable television.  So whenever I hear this song it reminds me of the feelings of contentment I felt when I spent a Friday night at a friend’s house and got to wake up Saturday morning and watch Nickelodeon.  If you don’t sing along to the chorus of this song and pump your fist to the “jump jump” beat then you are probably a less amusing version of Tony Shalhoub as “Monk”

Jai Ho – Pussy Cat Dolls

Key Lyric - “Catch me, catch me, catch me, c'mon catch me, I want you now”

The Greatness:  I know I complain a lot, but there’s no doubt in my mind that I’d rather workout than have my eyes scooped out by a hot spoon.  I loved Slumdog Millionaire and I can imagine nothing more inspiring to really get me running on that treadmill.  (As an aside: I work some pretty sweet Bollywood dance moves. Video to come.)

Melon balling my eyes out is where I draw my line in the sand.

Pump Up The Jam - Technotronic 

Key Lyric – “I want, a place to stay, Get your booty on the floor tonight, Make my day”

The Greatness: Space Jam.  Really, I don’t need any other reason to love this song.  However, as I looked up the lyrics to this song I found three versions of the line “I want, a place to stay…”   This just affirms that just making the corresponding vowel sounds when you don't know the words is perfectly acceptable. 

Jenny From the Block – Jennifer Lopez

Key Lyric – “Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got. I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block”

The Greatness: I like to think that this song is about a woman named Jenny, a famous amateur geologist who used to be a tax advisor.

This is Jenny.

These are her rocks.

Chow down.

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I'm a lazy eater

Ideally, I would lay all day in a chaise lounge while a steady stream of Goldfish Crackers and Milk Duds are fed to me by some hunk.  Togas optional.

I’ve been comparing and contrasting the meals that I love to the healthy meals I’m trying to eat.  One thing keeps coming up as I analyze my old favorites: they have no more than three steps of preparation before they are torpedoed into my mouth.

Totino’s Pizza Rolls:

1. Unwrap - Dump out 20-30 bites – You’re eating pizza rolls, serving sizes don’t apply to you.
2. Heat – Be classy.  Use the oven, not the microwave.
3. Eat – Use a fork, you're not an animal and those suckers are coming out HOT.

McDonald’s Big Mac

1. Drive – Until you’re there, then go “Thru”
2. Order – Get the combo, but then add a McChicken cause it’s only a dollar. (As an aside: they must have a mayo quota to meet each month, I sometimes can’t see the sandwich through all the creamy fat.)
3. Drive Away – Use your knee cause you’ll need both hands to shovel those fries in your mouth while they are still hot, cause they turn to crap after they get cold.

Pschh - Whadda Rookie

State Fair Honey Battered Corn Dogs:

1. Unwrap – Take three or four out of their clear plastic prisons.
2. Heat - Fry ‘em up.
3. Eat – Dress in “Fancy” Ketchup only.  (If ever I get into the Ketchup game I’m definitely going to print “Black Tie Optional” on my fancy ketchup bottle

He's missing his monocle but you get the picture.

In contrast almost all healthy foods take far more steps.

1. Chop Spinach
2. Apply Dressing, Toss
3. Add Cheese
4. Add Meat – Not even counting the steps to grill a chicken breast
5. Add Sliced Almonds
6. Mix Up
7. Eat and then try not to think about how hungry you still are.

So much to do, so little reward...

I’ve been a bad, bad girl.

My menu from last week reads like culinary erotica.  I defiled my temple and it was delightful, but for your sake I’ll spare you the fried, torrid details and just give you the screen cap from my Lose It! App instead.  At some point I stopped recording my caloric intake accurately and just marked each day as a loss

Yes, it does say 4,122 calories over budget

Needless to say, I enjoyed myself thoroughly.  I wasn’t terribly stressed out about it, after all, what’s one week when you’re changing your entire lifestyle? (Insert eye roll here.)  I knew I wouldn’t lose any weight that week and I’m good with that.  However…

I feel as though I owe some atonement for my dietary detour.  So, I have decided to pay penance by reciting a “Hail Richard” for every bad snacking decision I made and a “Our Fonda” for every fried food I ate.

Hail Richard Simmons, full of sass, our hope is with thee.

Blessed art thou among spandex manufacturers and blessed is the fruit of your ankle socks.

Awesome Richard, beacon of aerobics, pray for us weak gluttons, now and in our hours of temptation.

Our Fonda, who art in Hollywood

Motivational be your story.  Thy ballet failed, thy aerobics prevailed, on video as it is on DVD

Give us this day our daily workout and forgive us our cheeseburgers as we forgive you your brash Vietnam agenda.

Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from fast food.

For thine is the Lean Routine and leg warmers forever and ever. Amen.

On a related note, do you suppose they make candy rosaries?

Now, please excuse me, I have to go get Sweating to the Oldies and pretend to be totally psyched for a week of spinach salads even though we all know it’s a dirty, dirty lie.

 Feel the burn.

You're Better Than Me.

"You’re making us all look bad” – one of my co-workers circa 2009 said this at the pinnacle of my first bout with weight loss.  It was the ultimate guilt trip and brings me to one more thing I hate about dieting: when people know that I’m trying to lose weight, I think that they think, that I think I’m better than them. (My apologies for that sentence.)

Of course I don’t think that I’m better than anyone else!  I mean, I’m trying to be, but that’s kinda what it’s all about.  There are so many things that you’re better than me at doing.  When I think about it, it starts to get a little embarrassing…

• Math, I’m terrible at math.  Example: 3500 calories = 1lb, so then if I cut 500 calories from my diet a day I should lose no less than 12lbs per week. That’s right, right?
• Not ordering potatoes with every meal I eat.  I would have a sweet make out sesh with any potato farmer that let me raid his cellar.

  

  This guy knows what I'm talkin' bout.  Mmm-Hmm.

• Cooking: Prior to this adventure, my idea of a “homemade” meal was a Totino’s Party Pizza with extra toppings from my fridge and ranch dressing.  (450° for 11-14 minutes will always be imprinted on my mind)

• Running like a normal human being: I went out for track in middle school where they told me I have a very “unique gait.” There were attempts to fix my form but they decided that if the pointing and laughing didn’t correct it they would just assign me to the long jump where the running was kept to a minimum… But I digress, the critique totally psyched me out, so now I run like an idiot on purpose so then people think I’m just being a jokester and not mentally deficient.

This girl will probably be bullied into the long jump too.

• Getting in the shower after someone else has recently showered.  I’m super creeped out by droplets on the walls of the shower.  This is why I live alone.  It makes me feel dirty and uncomfortable, which is opposite of how showering makes normal people feel.

Gross.

So in conclusion, I’m not better than anyone (so please don’t make me feel guilty for trying) and I’m working on the shower thing.

 Cheers.

Farewell Fun Bags

Today, I jumped on the scale naked, hair dried to reveal.... I've lost 10 pounds!  Running and punching around in Rocky-style triumph, I went about my business getting ready for work.  

But my joyful reveling came to an abrupt stop when I strapped on my bra and much to my dismay found that a significant amount of that lost weight had disappeared from my "lovely lady lumps."

I knew this day would come, but I was unprepared.  For me the one great thing about being heavier is that the weight distribution has always been generous on the top shelf and when nothing else is going my way, at least I still had my girls. 

Until now.  My sweater puppies are a little less playful.

Yeah.  It's like that.

So with great sadness, I bid my boobies goodbye. 

Bye bye boobies.  Sayonara Sisters. Toodle-oo Ta Ta's.  Ciao Chesticles.

I already miss you my mammaries...

Work Out Endorphins = Unicorns

"Work Out Endorphins" might as well be uni-horned, mythical, majestic creatures.  I seek them, but do not find.

List of things working out does do for me:

1. Chafe my thighs while reminding me of how long it’s been since I shaved my legs
2. Throw my internal climate control WAY out of whack
3. Help me perfect my “running from an assailant” fantasies (thanks for the idea Mindy Kaling!)
4. Provides me with a really lovely, natural “hippy at a 3-day outdoor summer festival slightly after high-noon” scent
5. Helps me justify my all-too-frequent clandestine meetings with restaurant food.

List of things working out does not do for me:

1. Make me feel happier, healthier, more positive, more energetic… and so on.

Sciency folks tell me that exercise creates endorphins (they say it sternly, like it’s definitely a fact).  Echoing these sentiments are my slutty healthy friends who say that they get an amazing, addicting high from working out and extol the benefits of regular jogging/weightlifting/yoga-ing.  Comparing my experiences to theirs I’m inclined to believe that their brain is just full of empty receptors, in an “every endorphin wins” version of musical chairs.  In my brain however, it’s standing room only.  I have room for, like, four and a half endorphins and those seats are reserved for the endorphins I enjoy when I’m eating chocolate.  Every now and again a chocolate endorphin gets up to be replaced by a “I caught a grammatical error on a menu” endorphin.



Endorphins fighting for a seat in my brain. Yes, my endorphins are teenage Honduran men.



With all of that said… I do work out.  Sort of.
  
Me saying I work out is like Mike Tyson saying he can spell: it’s probably true, but only a little and it has yet to be verified.  I "exercise" (a more accurate term) in a secure location.  And I do what I did when I lost the first 30lbs: 20 minutes of brisk walking at an incline (very important) followed by 10 or so minutes of half-hearted aerobics de jour, three times a week. 

In my past experience I learned it doesn’t have to be hard, it just has to BE.

Shake 'n Bake.

My Diet and I: An Open Relationship

My diet and I have the dysfunctional relationship of a disenchanted middle-aged couple.  I’ve decided that every now and again I want to see other people and my diet doesn’t want to lose me, so he pretends to be okay with it.  In my heart I know that every time I step out on him, he sits at home and watches Lifetime sobbing into a glass of red wine and praying that this will be the last time.  It won’t be.

I realized today that I haven’t really defined my diet.  That’s because it doesn’t have a gimmick.  It’s the Don’t Be An Idiot Diet.  Lower my calorie intake, up my exercise- but still enjoy life.

I’m not a fan of black and white, but eating right really comes down to not buying crappy food and at the store I do pretty well, but when it comes to eating out with friends and family I just don’t have that kind of discipline.  I also can’t stand the thought of being that girl who orders a side salad with water while the rest of the group eats real food.  I give into my cravings at least once a week and I savor it.  I know that if I skipped eating out or made better choices I could lose more weight in less time, but those extra calories I take in eating out twice a week keep me from kicking children and puppies.  And I think everyone would agree that it’s small price to pay to save this lil gal.

Cheers!

Alli or Axis of Evil: And other Drugs

Weight loss is not easy. SO, instead of working hard and earning it, we've created a shortcut- Drugs. I've tried several drugs that claim to make weight loss easier or faster for one reason or another. There is good news and bad news. The good news- some of them work. The bad news- some of them don't and the ones that do sometimes have uncomfortable side effects.

The ones that don't work : Anything you can buy at a “vitamin” store.  I've tried OxyElite, SlimQuick, and others that I can't remember off hand. They don't work. Sadly I didn't even get the placebo effect. No extra energy, no appetite suppression, just broken promises and shattered dreams.

The ones that do work:

Alli - Alli works, the scary part, you can see it working.  Stay with me here... The way Alli works is it blocks excess fats from being absorbed, then that unabsorbed liquid fat (read oil) is excreted from the body during your bathroom visits.

I bought Alli before I'd heard harrowing tales of the "side effects." If you’re not having side effects it’s not working so I opt that we call these “effects.”  Now, these effects are tolerable if you work from home, live alone and keep your outings within a 10 minute radius of a pre-approved, sound-proof, private bathroom at all times. BUT for those of us who work, shop and lounge in public places where our bathroom expulsions may be overheard, Alli is a gamble.

Phentermine - Phentermine is a prescription weight loss drug (wiki it if you need to). And it’s wonderful.  Sadly, It's difficult to find a doctor to prescribe this for you, because from what I understand, my best friend Phentermine is a low dose of crack or something. It suppresses appetite and side effects are increased energy, happiness and cotton-mouth. Pretty flipping awesome from my personal experience.  Previously, I was able to find a doctor (God bless her) that was willing to try it short term to jump start my weight loss.  I ended up losing a little less than 30lbs in 3 months, but then the magic candy pills were gone the “healthy habits” I’d developed slowly fell away also as my life became busier.  Many doctors will not prescribe Phentermine if your BMI isn't above, like, 400.  (Someone should probably explain BMI to me.)   They also will not prescribe it if you cry, rock yourself in the fetal position, and talk about invisible bugs during your appointment.  What I’m saying here is, it's hard to get.  But if you can find a doctor or reliable Mexican drug dealer to sell it to you, try it.  But don’t trust this guy.  Don't think I've forgotten you Horatio, you owe me $50.

Chew on that.