Work Out Endorphins = Unicorns

"Work Out Endorphins" might as well be uni-horned, mythical, majestic creatures.  I seek them, but do not find.

List of things working out does do for me:

1. Chafe my thighs while reminding me of how long it’s been since I shaved my legs
2. Throw my internal climate control WAY out of whack
3. Help me perfect my “running from an assailant” fantasies (thanks for the idea Mindy Kaling!)
4. Provides me with a really lovely, natural “hippy at a 3-day outdoor summer festival slightly after high-noon” scent
5. Helps me justify my all-too-frequent clandestine meetings with restaurant food.

List of things working out does not do for me:

1. Make me feel happier, healthier, more positive, more energetic… and so on.

Sciency folks tell me that exercise creates endorphins (they say it sternly, like it’s definitely a fact).  Echoing these sentiments are my slutty healthy friends who say that they get an amazing, addicting high from working out and extol the benefits of regular jogging/weightlifting/yoga-ing.  Comparing my experiences to theirs I’m inclined to believe that their brain is just full of empty receptors, in an “every endorphin wins” version of musical chairs.  In my brain however, it’s standing room only.  I have room for, like, four and a half endorphins and those seats are reserved for the endorphins I enjoy when I’m eating chocolate.  Every now and again a chocolate endorphin gets up to be replaced by a “I caught a grammatical error on a menu” endorphin.



Endorphins fighting for a seat in my brain. Yes, my endorphins are teenage Honduran men.



With all of that said… I do work out.  Sort of.
  
Me saying I work out is like Mike Tyson saying he can spell: it’s probably true, but only a little and it has yet to be verified.  I "exercise" (a more accurate term) in a secure location.  And I do what I did when I lost the first 30lbs: 20 minutes of brisk walking at an incline (very important) followed by 10 or so minutes of half-hearted aerobics de jour, three times a week. 

In my past experience I learned it doesn’t have to be hard, it just has to BE.

Shake 'n Bake.