Before you head out, be sure you alert someone to your plan and whereabouts. This is a necessary precaution, as once you enter the dressing room, the depression may drive you to Gary Busey. And trust me, no one wants to be the poor person in the search party that finds you naked and crying in the employees only hallway behind Orange Julius and Wetzel's Pretzels in the mall.
Now that you've notified your next of kin, head to your favorite store and waddle over to your section. Feel free to wave to the girls shopping in the sizes that you used to be. Now, now, don't be shy... You're too far away from those cute clothes for them to actually recognize you.
If you happen to pick a store that equips their dressing rooms with that tri-fold style mirror, be sure to get a good gander at yourself from all angles, that's certain to be a rare treat! And thus, you will have have the answer to that question that you ask at the bottom of every Funyons bag: "Wait, where did they all go?!"
Now, if you're feeling like your going to spiral out of control go grab something you know will be too big for you. Be absolutely certain. Pick a brand you know the sizes intimately, cause there's nothing worse than trying on a new brand and realizing you aren't a 10 you're a 22. I recommend adding at least two sizes to your current measurements. Try it on and pull the fabric to the sides like they do with all those weight loss ads. Tell yourself the difference between this and you is something like 100 pounds. That will make you feel nice and safe. This will also remind you that it could be worse.
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| We can all do this! ...with the right pair of jeans. |
